Okay, now that I have suitably frightened the shit out of those who are squeamish or not willing to read and or discuss anything that has to do with monthly lady business...
I have a period cat.
Mel, you ask, what the hell is a period cat? And I'll say: I'm so glad you asked. LET ME TELL YOU.
Usually, women are much smarter about their periods than I, on the whole. I didn't get into actually trying to track my monthly RED WEDDING until a few YEARS ago--when I realized that HOLY GOD SOME SMART MOFOS made TRACKING APPS! I COULD GET WARNED BEFORE THE DESTROYER CAME TO TOWN! Or at the very least, since my period is about as predictable as I am--a general consensus of when and where I should be ready to shut down and feel like I am dying for a week so I can plan and prepare.
I'm not sure when it happened. And it took me a long time to clue in. But--here's the thing: we have five cats. The oldest, and crankiest, and craziest is named Flora. Flora is a tiny little black cat who the Vets she goes to--to my CONSTANT delight (I love it), have sweetly nicknamed her SATAN KITTY. We think Flora is half siamese. She has that very, very, very distinctive siamese nose and triangle head--but is all black (or all very deep brown in direct sunlight.) She is a very nutty, bitey, scratchy, hissy loveable cat. Not all cats are super affectionate love bugs, and we at Casa De Pence are ok with that. Hell, Shawn owned a cat before we got married--and had her years after--that hid 18 hours of the day behind the bed and only came out to let us pet her, use the litter box, eat, and hide again.
Flora is particular. She WANTS your attention and affection, yes. But only how SHE wants it. And the secret is: she never tells us how. Somedays you can pet her head and scritch the side of her face for hours until she turns into a liquid. Some days she allows you to pet her for EXACTLY 4.5 pets and then she freaks out and wants to devour your soul. That's just how she is.
But for the last few years, she's taken, to what I thought was randomly, sleeping directly on my pillow a few nights out of the month. Sometimes its just one night. Sometimes it's two-three. And when she does, she will LITERALLY take up the entire pillow by loafing smack dab in the middle leaving me no room but a corner to either nuzzle her forepaws, or have her ass warm the top of my head. And she WON'T budge.
After she has done this catly duty, she won't be seen on the bed again for another month-ish.
And recently I realized that she has been doing this, on the dot, 1-3 days before I get my period.
Literally, if she is on my pillow, I don't even have to look at my period tracker app anymore because if I see her on my pillow I know THE STORMS A'COMIN'.
Some people use the calendar. Some people use a tracker. Some people don't use anything. Me? I get a period cat.