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Hooray for Boobies & Other Fat Lady Tales

✏ 38 year old cis female ✏ Fat ✏ Married ✏ Crazy Cat Lady ✏ Opinionated ✏ Swear-ey ✏ All caps silliness ✏ occasional pretendy writer ✏ LJ immigrant ✏ Journaling since 2006 ✏ Ex chatroom /forum role player ✏ Now on Tumblr ✏
elf_fu: cleverly disguised (adultdisguise)




Okay, now that I have suitably frightened the shit out of those who are squeamish or not willing to read and or discuss anything that has to do with monthly lady business...

I have a period cat. 

Mel, you ask, what the hell is a period cat? And I'll say: I'm so glad you asked. LET ME TELL YOU. 

Usually, women are much smarter about their periods than I, on the whole. I didn't get into actually trying to track my monthly RED WEDDING until a few YEARS ago--when I realized that HOLY GOD SOME SMART MOFOS made TRACKING APPS! I COULD GET WARNED BEFORE THE DESTROYER CAME TO TOWN! Or at the very least, since my period is about as predictable as I am--a general consensus of when and where I should be ready to shut down and feel like I am dying for a week so I can plan and prepare. 

I'm not sure when it happened. And it took me a long time to clue in. But--here's the thing: we have five cats. The oldest, and crankiest, and craziest is named Flora. Flora is a tiny little black cat who the Vets she goes to--to my CONSTANT delight (I love it), have sweetly nicknamed her SATAN KITTY. We think Flora is half siamese. She has that very, very, very distinctive siamese nose and triangle head--but is all black (or all very deep brown in direct sunlight.) She is a very nutty, bitey, scratchy, hissy loveable cat. Not all cats are super affectionate love bugs, and we at Casa De Pence are ok with that. Hell, Shawn owned a cat before we got married--and had her years after--that hid 18 hours of the day behind the bed and only came out to let us pet her, use the litter box, eat, and hide again. 

Flora is particular. She WANTS your attention and affection, yes. But only how SHE wants it. And the secret is: she never tells us how. Somedays you can pet her head and scritch the side of her face for hours until she turns into a liquid. Some days she allows you to pet her for EXACTLY 4.5 pets and then she freaks out and wants to devour your soul. That's just how she is. 

But for the last few years, she's taken, to what I thought was randomly, sleeping directly on my pillow a few nights out of the month. Sometimes its just one night. Sometimes it's two-three. And when she does, she will LITERALLY take up the entire pillow by loafing smack dab in the middle leaving me no room but a corner to either nuzzle her forepaws, or have her ass warm the top of my head. And she WON'T budge. 

After she has done this catly duty, she won't be seen on the bed again for another month-ish. 

And recently I realized that she has been doing this, on the dot, 1-3 days before I get my period. 

Literally, if she is on my pillow, I don't even have to look at my period tracker app anymore because if I see her on my pillow I know THE STORMS A'COMIN'. 

Some people use the calendar. Some people use a tracker. Some people don't use anything. Me? I get a period cat. 

elf_fu: (Default)
The moment you've all been waiting for. ASK DRUNK MEL SHIT, THE VIDEO.

yes my friends. Another drunk Mel Video.
elf_fu: (Default)
I've been reading and listening to all the suggestions everyone's giving on my last Dreamwidth/Live Journal post where I asked for help and suggestions in making life less messy. In a 1 bedroom apartment with five birds, 2 cats and 2 geeks that generally get distracted sometimes, things can look worse than they are after just a day of relaxing.

I spent some time re-arranging the black cubes/book shelves and managed to simply throw out 2 tall candles, 1 large one, a decorative plate that I wasn't even showing off (just using it for the big candle I I ended up throwing out).

I cleared the top and now it's just Darth Vader sitting up there. The tiny shelf above the black cubes/book shelves got cleared out as well, now it only holds The Jedi Path.

I tackled the kitchen pantry last night. I'm going to show photos of the only place we can currently store cans, food stuffs and cooking supplies and you'll probably be all like: Grrrrrrrl that a mess. But let me tell you that I pulled that apart last night, threw out bits and pieces of things we haven't used/cooked with in a long time and despite the mess, am rather proud at how clean it looks now. (So imagine how bad it was before.)


I'm not sure I want to be rid of the corkboard in the kitchen. Currently it's the only place to hang the herbs from my garden to dry, place important papers so I don't lose them and show case the memorabilia I have. Such as the only piece of artwork I've ever gotten in the mail from someone, the hand-made anniversary card for Shawn, Raven's cat collar and the "Just Married," Disney pin from our honeymoon. It doesn't get in the way of opening the pantry or the fridge at the moment and that's pretty much a plus.

I tried selling Shawn on the idea of chucking the living room table and replacing it, as suggested, with a single ottoman with storage, or a big steam trunk or as Lyrical suggested, an old toy trunk and painting it to use it as a table/extra seat/storage. We got it before we got three more birds, when we had room for it and it didn't get in the way. Now more than ever, it just annoys me. I don't like it anymore and it eats up space. I can't quite convince him. He looked at the table and then looked at me like I was slightly insane when trying to explain to him how it's starting to bug me. "It's just a table--it's fine where it is." And I love him, I really do...but sometimes he's so wonderfully, frustratingly, typically male.

The biggest issue I think I need to address is everything having it's place and always putting that thing back in that specific place. It's easy to set a spoon down here or there instead on my way, or let a tea bag sit on the counter instead of putting it in it's basket, or shove a pot in the cabinet willy-nilly and shut the door.

I don't think ahead after. I don't realize how much I drive myself batty later when I got to get a frying pan and seven pots fall out because I was too lazy to care where I put shit earlier.

I don't understand why this is a growing issue with me of a sudden. I've this sudden obsession with having an apartment that doesn't look like someone's bedroom with the added bonus of a kitchen--but I'm not sure why.

Maybe it's the seasons changing, maybe it's a reflection of my mind. Maybe I'm just as weird and crazy as everyone thinks I am.
elf_fu: (Default)
Dear internets, Live Journal, Dream Journal and random people,

I need your help.

I suck at organizing. My idea of organizing is to scrub it clean then to find a kitchen or a cabinet I can shove it into out of sight and calling it good enough. This, obviously, with five birds, two cats and two disorganized geeks with a 1 bedroom apartment AND their computer desks in the living room--isn't exactly the best game plan.

And since we'll be looking to stay here for the next 2-4 years saving up for a house, the lack of room is starting to make my teeth twitchy.

When we moved in, we junked everything we could--old clothing, knick knacks, kitchen appliances, shoes, you name it--if it hadn't been used in the last year it went into a garbage bag or to goodwill.

So we basically have everything we can hold and don't want to chuck...but it always feels cluttered to me. I did some browsing on organizing and ideas for small spaces--but honestly a lot of it boils down to spending money to make, build, or buy something to put things in--and I wouldn't have a problem with that if some of these ideas weren't so ridiculously expensive. Seriously, I found my eyebrows climbing so high they spun around on the back of my head at some of these pre-made "organizer" ideas and products.

So I'm asking for your ideas and help, cost effective ideas and help. I can't tear things down, I can't replace the cabinetry (It's an apartment), I can't build on to anything already here--but surely there are tricks and tips to keeping the clutter organized. Different ways to hang the stuff on my wall, ways to arrange the furniture, hand-made DIY's to make the space seem....spacier and the small seem...bigger?

Have some low quality pics of my clutter and dirt:


What have you done to help your small spaces look bigger with moderate success?
elf_fu: (Godkitty)
Originally posted by [ profile] youthculture at on a more positive note---

Heart & Sole Walk is this weekend! I've gotten a few cash donations from folks at work, but I could use some support from people boosting the signal and donating a few bucks so me and Evan can make it over the hundred dollar mark! Yay!

If you want to know more about The Potter League, you can check out this video of their new facility from 2009!

Donate or link here!


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May 2017

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