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Hooray for Boobies & Other Fat Lady Tales

✏ 38 year old cis female ✏ Fat ✏ Married ✏ Crazy Cat Lady ✏ Opinionated ✏ Swear-ey ✏ All caps silliness ✏ occasional pretendy writer ✏ LJ immigrant ✏ Journaling since 2006 ✏ Ex chatroom /forum role player ✏ Now on Tumblr ✏


Apr. 19th, 2017 01:08 pm
elf_fu: (Default)

 So today, everyone in my house is Boo boo kitty fuck. Husband? Boo boo kitty fuck. Quaker parrot? Boo Boo Kitty Fuck. Everyone of the five cats? All Boo boo kitty fucks.

No, I don't know why. No, I can't explain why I like it or find it hilarious. Just go with it. 

Hi thar

Apr. 18th, 2017 02:18 pm
elf_fu: derp (derp)

 It's been 85 years. 

No, no it hasn't, but it feels like it. As I said in my NEW NEW JUST EDITED BRAND NEW sticky that I think the last time I did any journaling that was remotely consistent was back in 2014. Social media, man. Social media. It got me. Also, LJ just kept fucking up so badly that I started to find my friends list more and more inactive that I had to dodge tumbleweeds every time I went to look at my friends entries. 

Also, well--most of them had already meandered over to either the Face of the Book, or my favorite--google plus.

Also, also, go me--I discovered Tumblr. And although Tumblr has a huge list of weirdness and faults, I really adored it there because if you got the right followers and followed the right people, your dash turned out to be fucking hilarity, fan crack, hot fan pics, and everything in between. Though my personal Tumblr's been sorta forgotten now because I DISCOVERED RP THERE. 

I can't wrap my brain around the amount of changed since 2014. We had four cats--adopted a fifth named Mr. Chubblepenny. Mr. Chubble penny ended up very sick and passing away in my arms. (Cheerful, I know.) We have five birds, too--but Chicken and Nibblet both passed away very suddenly. 

Then last year we got yet, again, our fifth cat--Miss Tinkletonne, Tinkles for short and she was our first Tortie kitten and HO BOY WE WERE NOT PREPARED FOR TORTIE 'TUDE AND THE ENERGY. But she was, and still is, the sweetest too. So every time she fucks shit up off the edge of something, I can't help but awwww. She's almost a year and she is still the TINIEST cat. Her head is smaller than my fist and her peets (paw feets) are no bigger than my thumb. ....oh god she has me SO WRAPPED. 

Uhh--lesse! My husband went from having to go into work, to getting to work from home!!!! I happily proclaim that I get to have my Therapy Husband with me at all times now. 

Also, I've been "changing my lifestyle," (we don't say diet in this house or else we turn into slavering fatties with huge cravings and eat anything that moves.) Lots of veggies, lots of lighter protein, lots of lower fat, NO WHITE THINGS. AKA: no white pasta, no white rice, no white flour (and no bread of any kind.) No sugar (except for naturally occurring in veggies and fruits), lotsa organic shifts, lotsa chickpeas an' chicken and spinach and just green shit in general. It's good. My sugars have been steady at 140 when before they were 200ishness. Which makes it SO WEIRD because like, my body has been so used to higher sugars that it's now like ??????? WHAT DO WE DO THE SUGARS ARE LOWER FREAK OUT! PANIC! BEHAVE LIKE YOU ARE HYPERGLYCEMIA and I check my blood sugars and are like, "No, dude. Chill. We aren't. This is what normal's like." 

Fun times. 

ALSO HI PEOPLE WHO JUST ADDED ME I literally do not know who you are because it has been ten centuries and don't recognize user names. Say hi? Tell me who you are? 


Anywayyyyy, I think this entry is a hot mess, like myself, but a good attempt at getting back into the swing of things. WOOO. 



elf_fu: planet asshole (asshole)
This is the ENTIRE story of dealing with having to LEGALLY be in contract, in Florida, with a Septic company if you own an Aerobic Septic System. This is what we've been dealing with. This is why you're gonna hear about that crazy lady in Florida who kills people with glitter.

This fuckery is long so I put it behind this cut )
elf_fu: (Default)

In which I embarrass myself because it is what I am good at:

  • I quit smoking nearly five(?) four (? God I can't remember) years ago--but I would hurtle a newborn for a phillies chocolate and or bullseye raspberry/grape cigarello. First of all, phillies chocolate cigars do not, even remotely smell like smoke to me. They are flowery, spicy, and perfume like. The raspberry/grape bullseye unfiltered cigarello's are just motherfucking crack. 

  • I really like Azealia Banks 212 (explicit), Van Vogue (explicit) and 1991 (explicit)

  • My husbands biscuits are as good as sex. (Yes, I have had good sex. And I have also had good biscuits. But not both at the same time for safety reasons.)

  •  I would do Jenna Marbles

  •  I used to text RP ALL DAY ERR'DAY. Now I just want to MMO, and RP once every week in them and just with certain types of players and people because I am old and bitchy. Most of the time however, every time I do try and RP in MMO's my a) stomach acts up, b) I have to go c) something happens where in I can't even start anyway d) no one is role playing ever anyway. 

  • I would do strange things for an MMORPG that hasn't all been done before. A non-fantasy one. Or at least, not all fantasy.

  • a) Especially if it had no sexualized cute beings I can play as. 

  • I am bad at keeping up with all the things I like to do. 

  • Despite trying to train them my birds are still major dickheads most of the time. Fluffy, cute little fuckfaces. 

  • a) I call them fuckfaces frequently.

  • b) I keep hoping they will pick up all my bad language. So far: no dice :( 

  • January of 2013 begins the Looking for a House We Can Afford. I expect the first three to six months of that year to be a complete and total house-hunting emotional roller coaster in which I will take the entire internet--or anyone willing to read it--with me. 

  • My mothers death last year during December has made me dread Christmas as much as I look forward to it. I alternatively feel like laying down and giving up and decorating everything with tinsel at the same time. I both adore and sob helplessly when alone at home and a christmas song slipped into my winamp playlist comes on. I may implode this christmas. I don't know. 

  • My periods used to be occasions in which I wish I could sink into a real burning pit of molten lava because it would probably hurt less and I'd be less bitchy. Thanks to my happy pills, I have not had a single bad period since taking them. 

  • Despite living in Florida and it being one million degrees out in the summer, it is often so cold in our apartment I have to wear socks and a sweater. I am a horrible, horrible person to the environment and I can't rustle up enough concern to care.  Winter time however if it dips below 70 we do shut it off and throw open windows. Yayyy, I guess? 

  • I forgive but I really do not forget. Ever. And if you are a repeat offender eventually I stop forgiving. I just won't tell you.

  • a) I am always a hypocrite with the above in mind. 

  • b)  I do a lot of the things I absolutely fucking hate other people doing. I'm working on it, but I suspect I will always be like this. 

  • I am like my father, where in I say I will do something and then I won't/forget/change my mind/get distracted. I don't ever mean it personally. I just do it. I think I might have some form of ADHD or hey is that a rainbow I like kitties they are UNICORNS!

  • I would rather daydream it/visualize it in my head than write it. 

  • I have stretch marks on top of my stretch marks which also ride stretch marks into stretch mark canyon where they live in stretch mark houses with stretch mark babies with stretch mark families. Stretch marks. 

  • I have basically stopped drinking water to slarp crystal light. ....At least I don't drink soda anymore? 

  • I am easily touched and easily moved to tears. I cry in movie theaters but do the LOOK STRAIGHT AHEAD CASUALLY WIPE CHEEKS HOPE NO ONE NOTICES OH GOD NOOOOOOOO DON'T LET RAPUNZELS TRUE LOVE DIE SOB SOB SOB SOB

  • I have never had a professional massage. I can't get over the complete discomfort of stranger touching me=someone strange looking at my body=juding me=finding me hidious=OH GOD THE SUN IT BURNS=HISS=CRAWL BACK INTO MY CAVE=ARE THEY LOOKING AT MY FAT=THEY ARE SO LOOKING AT MY FAT

  • I like food too much to ever be skinny. 



elf_fu: (Default)
Since I posted this on my Google+ and my Facebook, I decided to post this here, too.

Sorry about that, Live Journal :( But compared to the instantaneous nature of Google+ and such, I'm sort of distracted from you right now. I still love you, though.

Also, I am really hoping we get kids this Halloween. We didn't get a single visitor last year :(



elf_fu: (Default)

May 2017

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