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Hooray for Boobies & Other Fat Lady Tales

✏ 38 year old cis female ✏ Fat ✏ Married ✏ Crazy Cat Lady ✏ Opinionated ✏ Swear-ey ✏ All caps silliness ✏ occasional pretendy writer ✏ LJ immigrant ✏ Journaling since 2006 ✏ Ex chatroom /forum role player ✏ Now on Tumblr ✏
elf_fu: (Default)

 -- about the heat. 

See, I knew, and I know, how hot it gets in Florida in the area I live in, during summer. And summer can start, really, anytime after Feb. here. The winters...oh the winters are SO NICE. The winter's here remind me of constant spring/summer in canada. Zero to low humidity, 70ish to middling 70's degrees. Windy or gentle windy days and it's so nice. Night times can drop to the 60's and occasionally 50's and below where in I actually MIGHT need to toss an extra blanket on the bed because I've had all the windows in the house wide open with that breeze blowing through. 

But then...but then summer comes. And it's not a gentle thing, either. You get no foreplay and no warning. Just one day you wake up and your weather app / favorite weather website tells you it's 87 with humidity over 60% and you are literally covered in a fine sheen of gross sweat, EVERYWHERE, within five seconds of leaving the house. The breeze is completely gone and the humid heat just drones and drones on you. 

It really doesn't help that I am fat, too. This kind of heat doesn't encourage me to actually go out and DO ANYTHING. 

Today is a summer day. The humidity is oppressing. I went outside earlier this morning to enjoy my coffee and watch the birds and all I could do was sit and sweat and moan dramatically. 

I have to go grocery shopping soon and I JUS DUN WANNNNNNAAAAA. Yes, I am just going to a car. From the ac in the car, to an AC cooled farmer's market type grocery store, back to car, back to home...But there's something about Florida's humidity that is just OPPRESSIVE AF in the summer that literally hoover-sucks all will to move, breathe, and be when you are in it for any small amount of time. 

So I am sitting here writing and complaining and bitchin' and moanin' about it instead of getting off my ass and going out into it because I am 3 and having a temper tantrum and I just DUN WANNA ADULT TODAY NOOOOOO. :( 

 

 

elf_fu: cleverly disguised (adultdisguise)

 

 

UTERUS! 
OVARIES!
MENSTRATION STATION!
PERIODS!
CRAMPS!


Okay, now that I have suitably frightened the shit out of those who are squeamish or not willing to read and or discuss anything that has to do with monthly lady business...

I have a period cat. 

Mel, you ask, what the hell is a period cat? And I'll say: I'm so glad you asked. LET ME TELL YOU. 

Usually, women are much smarter about their periods than I, on the whole. I didn't get into actually trying to track my monthly RED WEDDING until a few YEARS ago--when I realized that HOLY GOD SOME SMART MOFOS made TRACKING APPS! I COULD GET WARNED BEFORE THE DESTROYER CAME TO TOWN! Or at the very least, since my period is about as predictable as I am--a general consensus of when and where I should be ready to shut down and feel like I am dying for a week so I can plan and prepare. 

I'm not sure when it happened. And it took me a long time to clue in. But--here's the thing: we have five cats. The oldest, and crankiest, and craziest is named Flora. Flora is a tiny little black cat who the Vets she goes to--to my CONSTANT delight (I love it), have sweetly nicknamed her SATAN KITTY. We think Flora is half siamese. She has that very, very, very distinctive siamese nose and triangle head--but is all black (or all very deep brown in direct sunlight.) She is a very nutty, bitey, scratchy, hissy loveable cat. Not all cats are super affectionate love bugs, and we at Casa De Pence are ok with that. Hell, Shawn owned a cat before we got married--and had her years after--that hid 18 hours of the day behind the bed and only came out to let us pet her, use the litter box, eat, and hide again. 

Flora is particular. She WANTS your attention and affection, yes. But only how SHE wants it. And the secret is: she never tells us how. Somedays you can pet her head and scritch the side of her face for hours until she turns into a liquid. Some days she allows you to pet her for EXACTLY 4.5 pets and then she freaks out and wants to devour your soul. That's just how she is. 

But for the last few years, she's taken, to what I thought was randomly, sleeping directly on my pillow a few nights out of the month. Sometimes its just one night. Sometimes it's two-three. And when she does, she will LITERALLY take up the entire pillow by loafing smack dab in the middle leaving me no room but a corner to either nuzzle her forepaws, or have her ass warm the top of my head. And she WON'T budge. 

After she has done this catly duty, she won't be seen on the bed again for another month-ish. 

And recently I realized that she has been doing this, on the dot, 1-3 days before I get my period. 

Literally, if she is on my pillow, I don't even have to look at my period tracker app anymore because if I see her on my pillow I know THE STORMS A'COMIN'. 

Some people use the calendar. Some people use a tracker. Some people don't use anything. Me? I get a period cat. 

Hi thar

Apr. 18th, 2017 02:18 pm
elf_fu: derp (derp)

 It's been 85 years. 

No, no it hasn't, but it feels like it. As I said in my NEW NEW JUST EDITED BRAND NEW sticky that I think the last time I did any journaling that was remotely consistent was back in 2014. Social media, man. Social media. It got me. Also, LJ just kept fucking up so badly that I started to find my friends list more and more inactive that I had to dodge tumbleweeds every time I went to look at my friends entries. 

Also, well--most of them had already meandered over to either the Face of the Book, or my favorite--google plus.

Also, also, go me--I discovered Tumblr. And although Tumblr has a huge list of weirdness and faults, I really adored it there because if you got the right followers and followed the right people, your dash turned out to be fucking hilarity, fan crack, hot fan pics, and everything in between. Though my personal Tumblr's been sorta forgotten now because I DISCOVERED RP THERE. 

I can't wrap my brain around the amount of changed since 2014. We had four cats--adopted a fifth named Mr. Chubblepenny. Mr. Chubble penny ended up very sick and passing away in my arms. (Cheerful, I know.) We have five birds, too--but Chicken and Nibblet both passed away very suddenly. 

Then last year we got yet, again, our fifth cat--Miss Tinkletonne, Tinkles for short and she was our first Tortie kitten and HO BOY WE WERE NOT PREPARED FOR TORTIE 'TUDE AND THE ENERGY. But she was, and still is, the sweetest too. So every time she fucks shit up off the edge of something, I can't help but awwww. She's almost a year and she is still the TINIEST cat. Her head is smaller than my fist and her peets (paw feets) are no bigger than my thumb. ....oh god she has me SO WRAPPED. 

Uhh--lesse! My husband went from having to go into work, to getting to work from home!!!! I happily proclaim that I get to have my Therapy Husband with me at all times now. 

Also, I've been "changing my lifestyle," (we don't say diet in this house or else we turn into slavering fatties with huge cravings and eat anything that moves.) Lots of veggies, lots of lighter protein, lots of lower fat, NO WHITE THINGS. AKA: no white pasta, no white rice, no white flour (and no bread of any kind.) No sugar (except for naturally occurring in veggies and fruits), lotsa organic shifts, lotsa chickpeas an' chicken and spinach and just green shit in general. It's good. My sugars have been steady at 140 when before they were 200ishness. Which makes it SO WEIRD because like, my body has been so used to higher sugars that it's now like ??????? WHAT DO WE DO THE SUGARS ARE LOWER FREAK OUT! PANIC! BEHAVE LIKE YOU ARE HYPERGLYCEMIA and I check my blood sugars and are like, "No, dude. Chill. We aren't. This is what normal's like." 

Fun times. 

ALSO HI PEOPLE WHO JUST ADDED ME I literally do not know who you are because it has been ten centuries and don't recognize user names. Say hi? Tell me who you are? 

 

Anywayyyyy, I think this entry is a hot mess, like myself, but a good attempt at getting back into the swing of things. WOOO. 
 

 


 

elf_fu: (Last Unicorn)
My thoughts have constantly been with Rebecca, Rebecca's family, Gini and Ferrett today. (Read: http://www.theferrett.com/ferrettworks/2014/06/all-the-love-in-the-world-is-useless-all-the-anything-in-the-world-also-useless/) In between grocery shopping, in between petting cats, in between paying bills and in between stressing out over a septic system--in between, in the little cracks of something good, I think of this little girl I have never met and I think of her family and I feel an unforgiving fist-lump at the bottom of my throat. I feel tears and frustration: that I know my tears don't DO anything. And that I HAVE to do something. No armchair or social activist posts will help.

And so, I have made up my mind.

I can't cure this. I can't do anything to help the family where I am. I can't comfort them so far away.

But there is something I can do. There is something YOU can do to hasten the dream that someday childhood cancer will be a myth: https://www.stbaldricks.org
elf_fu: (Default)
Thanks again to [personal profile] kvancelot, whom has gifted me with another glorious few months of paid Dreamwidth time, I'd like to take advantage of it and learn me a few new tricks before it runs out!

First, I am using Five AM (Changed it! To Ciel, lol) as a general layout. I'd like to learn a little more, such as how to customize my own icons (link, memories, share, reply, comment etc), I'd like to learn how to customize my header navigation (Profile, Recent etc), and work on the side bar.

I've been digging through [site community profile] dw_styles and a few other DW sites...But what I really want is to learn how to customize Ciel specifically and get a hold of perhaps, a css cheat sheet that explains the basic functions.

This is nice, but I want a little more Things I Like in them Theme.

In other news, we're still waiting to hear about the offer we put on the house! Since it was Thursday afternoon, and we were told it takes three business days, (meaning the weekend didn't count, and Thursday afternoon might not have, either, because it was late)--we may either hear from them today or tomorrow.

The waiting is the hardest part, because I have been doing my best not to do any planning about this house we offered on. Specifically 'cause I know there's a high chance that there'll be something wrong some where and we'll have to start the search again. But it's hard not to dream about something you thought you'd never be able to have; and it's actually close enough to almost touch.

Plus, guys, I am really excited thinking about being able to open my doors to you and feed you, make you fat, watch Game of Thrones, Dr. Who, Lord of the Rings, or game like nerds together. Or just have you all over for tea. It's a tradtion my grandmother and mother carried out, one that I haven't been comfortable doing because my apartment is SO SMALL and SO CROWDED WITH BIRD CAGES.

Aaaaaaaaaah. HOUSE? HOUSE! HOUSE?

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May 2017

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