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Hooray for Boobies & Other Fat Lady Tales

✏ 38 year old cis female ✏ Fat ✏ Married ✏ Crazy Cat Lady ✏ Opinionated ✏ Swear-ey ✏ All caps silliness ✏ occasional pretendy writer ✏ LJ immigrant ✏ Journaling since 2006 ✏ Ex chatroom /forum role player ✏ Now on Tumblr ✏
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 -- about the heat. 

See, I knew, and I know, how hot it gets in Florida in the area I live in, during summer. And summer can start, really, anytime after Feb. here. The winters...oh the winters are SO NICE. The winter's here remind me of constant spring/summer in canada. Zero to low humidity, 70ish to middling 70's degrees. Windy or gentle windy days and it's so nice. Night times can drop to the 60's and occasionally 50's and below where in I actually MIGHT need to toss an extra blanket on the bed because I've had all the windows in the house wide open with that breeze blowing through. 

But then...but then summer comes. And it's not a gentle thing, either. You get no foreplay and no warning. Just one day you wake up and your weather app / favorite weather website tells you it's 87 with humidity over 60% and you are literally covered in a fine sheen of gross sweat, EVERYWHERE, within five seconds of leaving the house. The breeze is completely gone and the humid heat just drones and drones on you. 

It really doesn't help that I am fat, too. This kind of heat doesn't encourage me to actually go out and DO ANYTHING. 

Today is a summer day. The humidity is oppressing. I went outside earlier this morning to enjoy my coffee and watch the birds and all I could do was sit and sweat and moan dramatically. 

I have to go grocery shopping soon and I JUS DUN WANNNNNNAAAAA. Yes, I am just going to a car. From the ac in the car, to an AC cooled farmer's market type grocery store, back to car, back to home...But there's something about Florida's humidity that is just OPPRESSIVE AF in the summer that literally hoover-sucks all will to move, breathe, and be when you are in it for any small amount of time. 

So I am sitting here writing and complaining and bitchin' and moanin' about it instead of getting off my ass and going out into it because I am 3 and having a temper tantrum and I just DUN WANNA ADULT TODAY NOOOOOO. :( 




Apr. 19th, 2017 01:08 pm
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 So today, everyone in my house is Boo boo kitty fuck. Husband? Boo boo kitty fuck. Quaker parrot? Boo Boo Kitty Fuck. Everyone of the five cats? All Boo boo kitty fucks.

No, I don't know why. No, I can't explain why I like it or find it hilarious. Just go with it. 

elf_fu: cleverly disguised (adultdisguise)
What I have been doing with what's left of my sanity, (If I had any) and life.

And then I made a thing with cats:

It's been one of those weeks.
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The moment you've all been waiting for. ASK DRUNK MEL SHIT, THE VIDEO.

yes my friends. Another drunk Mel Video.
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In which I embarrass myself because it is what I am good at:

  • I quit smoking nearly five(?) four (? God I can't remember) years ago--but I would hurtle a newborn for a phillies chocolate and or bullseye raspberry/grape cigarello. First of all, phillies chocolate cigars do not, even remotely smell like smoke to me. They are flowery, spicy, and perfume like. The raspberry/grape bullseye unfiltered cigarello's are just motherfucking crack. 

  • I really like Azealia Banks 212 (explicit), Van Vogue (explicit) and 1991 (explicit)

  • My husbands biscuits are as good as sex. (Yes, I have had good sex. And I have also had good biscuits. But not both at the same time for safety reasons.)

  •  I would do Jenna Marbles

  •  I used to text RP ALL DAY ERR'DAY. Now I just want to MMO, and RP once every week in them and just with certain types of players and people because I am old and bitchy. Most of the time however, every time I do try and RP in MMO's my a) stomach acts up, b) I have to go c) something happens where in I can't even start anyway d) no one is role playing ever anyway. 

  • I would do strange things for an MMORPG that hasn't all been done before. A non-fantasy one. Or at least, not all fantasy.

  • a) Especially if it had no sexualized cute beings I can play as. 

  • I am bad at keeping up with all the things I like to do. 

  • Despite trying to train them my birds are still major dickheads most of the time. Fluffy, cute little fuckfaces. 

  • a) I call them fuckfaces frequently.

  • b) I keep hoping they will pick up all my bad language. So far: no dice :( 

  • January of 2013 begins the Looking for a House We Can Afford. I expect the first three to six months of that year to be a complete and total house-hunting emotional roller coaster in which I will take the entire internet--or anyone willing to read it--with me. 

  • My mothers death last year during December has made me dread Christmas as much as I look forward to it. I alternatively feel like laying down and giving up and decorating everything with tinsel at the same time. I both adore and sob helplessly when alone at home and a christmas song slipped into my winamp playlist comes on. I may implode this christmas. I don't know. 

  • My periods used to be occasions in which I wish I could sink into a real burning pit of molten lava because it would probably hurt less and I'd be less bitchy. Thanks to my happy pills, I have not had a single bad period since taking them. 

  • Despite living in Florida and it being one million degrees out in the summer, it is often so cold in our apartment I have to wear socks and a sweater. I am a horrible, horrible person to the environment and I can't rustle up enough concern to care.  Winter time however if it dips below 70 we do shut it off and throw open windows. Yayyy, I guess? 

  • I forgive but I really do not forget. Ever. And if you are a repeat offender eventually I stop forgiving. I just won't tell you.

  • a) I am always a hypocrite with the above in mind. 

  • b)  I do a lot of the things I absolutely fucking hate other people doing. I'm working on it, but I suspect I will always be like this. 

  • I am like my father, where in I say I will do something and then I won't/forget/change my mind/get distracted. I don't ever mean it personally. I just do it. I think I might have some form of ADHD or hey is that a rainbow I like kitties they are UNICORNS!

  • I would rather daydream it/visualize it in my head than write it. 

  • I have stretch marks on top of my stretch marks which also ride stretch marks into stretch mark canyon where they live in stretch mark houses with stretch mark babies with stretch mark families. Stretch marks. 

  • I have basically stopped drinking water to slarp crystal light. ....At least I don't drink soda anymore? 

  • I am easily touched and easily moved to tears. I cry in movie theaters but do the LOOK STRAIGHT AHEAD CASUALLY WIPE CHEEKS HOPE NO ONE NOTICES OH GOD NOOOOOOOO DON'T LET RAPUNZELS TRUE LOVE DIE SOB SOB SOB SOB

  • I have never had a professional massage. I can't get over the complete discomfort of stranger touching me=someone strange looking at my body=juding me=finding me hidious=OH GOD THE SUN IT BURNS=HISS=CRAWL BACK INTO MY CAVE=ARE THEY LOOKING AT MY FAT=THEY ARE SO LOOKING AT MY FAT

  • I like food too much to ever be skinny. 




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May 2017

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